Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany will be officially ending all business relations with Samsung, as our intelligence has shown that they have hacked into our cell phones. Luckily their technology is not advanced enough to cause any real damage. We are disappointed in their recent actions, particularly those taken by CEO Lee Kun-Hee.

Protesters Also Gathering in Brasilia

Protesters Also Gathering in Brasilia

Al Jazeera

In the Brazilian capital, Brasília, a reported 30,000 protesters are taking to the streets proclaiming “Eleições Agora!”, or Elections Now.

Some of the younger protesters are reportedly utilizing spray paint to ‘paint the town’ with the sentiment. Earlier today, the Brazilian Minister for Defense, who is possibly being held captive, echoed the sentiment that seems to be universal within the whole of Brazil, that free and fair elections must be held in Brazil, or else.

It is now unclear if the protest will grow from its 30,000 strong, but the message of ODP is ringing loudly throughout all of Brazil.

Press Release - Pele

@LegendPele: The Games MUST go on! If you want Brazil to be shown as the peaceful and loving country it is please support me for the leadership of the IOC! #SaveTheOlympics #Pele4Prez #GiveEmHellTwitter

Press Release - Coca-Cola Company

Despite the recently arisen schism in Peleism, Coca-Cola is staying strong with the original Church of Pele. And in response to the sponsorship of the Church of Latter Day Pele by Pepsi and Sofia Vergara, we would like to remind them that Coca-Cola is not only number one best selling soft drink internationally, but Diet Coke is also ranked higher than Pepsi. You might as well be settling for Shasta Cola at this point. But a budget, off-brand drink suits your off-brand religion.

-CEO of Coca-Cola Company

(PS- Ty Burrell says hi, Sofia, and as a representative of Minute Maid, to get better taste)

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Press Release - President of the International Olympic Committee

The authorities working for the Olympic Committee are investigating reports of a devilishly handsome naked man with green hair who was seen running through that Maracana Stadium at 6am today.

-Estate of Craig Reedie
Post-Mortem

ODP Breaks Out 6,000 Prisoners in South Brazil After Bloody Fight

ODP Breaks Out 6,000 Prisoners in South Brazil After Bloody Fight

O Globo

After securing a large quantity of weapons believed to be given by Russian government, 1,000 members of an Ordem do Progresso force called the “First Command of the Capital” was sent to a prison in the south of Brazil to free 6,000 other ODP members.

The Brazilian security forces fought in a 5 hour siege on the prison before being overcome by the ODP fighters. 145 ODP fighters and 79 prison security force members died in this struggle, and all of the 6,000 prisoners were released.

It is believed that ODP leaders including Brazilian Financial Director Fabiano “Paca” Alves de Souza and Federal Prosecutor Deltan Dellagnol organized this prison break in an effort to increase their manpower for later actions.

This story will be updated as information continues to be received by the press.

Rio de Janeiro remains largely under the control of ODP forces, while the Brazilian government, as well as the 107th Battalion of the Venezuelan Army approach the city.

The Olympic games, despite some interruptions, have continued downtown.

Press Release - Angela Merkel

The Chancellor of Germany is immensely concerned about the current situation in Brazil and has ordered that all German citizens be immediately evacuated from the country. Please be on high alert and make your way to the Rio de Janeiro International Airport as soon as possible, where German-engineered airplanes will be waiting to take you home safely.