Sunday, May 15, 2016

Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

The Rio Times

As the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Summer Games come to a close, we look back on the memories made during this stirring olympiad.

From the bomb threat of the Opening Ceremonies, to the opium-stuffed soccer balls, to the near-start of World War III, we are certainly glad to see the games come to a close, where the winners may finally take their medals back to their respective home countries and the losers will live, hopefully, to fight another day.

The Venezuelan and Chinese archers from opening day watched the closing ceremonies from their hospital beds near the Maracana Stadium, and expressed their relief to have the Games end.

This Olympic season we say goodbye to the fallen athletes and celebrate the passion and lively people of Rio for welcoming the world to their beautiful city.

If we’ve learned one thing from this hard-fought Olympic campaign, it is that the mighty will always prevail, and that our lord and savior Pele will always be there for us. Rest in peace Brent Lannister and long live Pele!

See you in 2020, at the Tokyo Summer Olympic Games!

Press Release - Order for Progress

Friends I now declare myself leader of the ODP. Neves is now stepping down to be High Priest of Peleism. I will do my best to be the voice of the people.

All Hail Paca!

Press Release - Pele

@LegendPele: What Happened Temer? Did you lose your balls by gaining your voice? You think Beyonce is God? #WhatHappenedToBrazil #TameTemer #StopThisCastration

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

O Globo

Brazilian soccer legend Pelé began singing from the VIP box in Maracana during a well televised press statement.

It is still unclear why exactly he did this, but it was received well by everyone witnessing his musical vocal cord exercises. Perhaps in solidarity with the people of Brazil? The masses protesting in the street? Most likely it was because these unprecedentedly chaotic games have come to an end.

A video recording of Pelé’s song was included with this statement.

Press Release - Order for Progress

While taking a break in the countryside, Pele came to me in a vision. "Aecio," he said, hovering in the air and juggling a soccer ball, "I have chosen you to be my voice to this people."

I solemnly declare that there is no god but Pele, and I have been chosen as his messenger to the Brazilians. I therefore resign as leader of the Ordem do Progresso in favor of the wise magnate Paca, who will, upon winning the presidential election, serve this country's secular needs well, and who promises to create a Church of Pele to guarantee unity and happiness, with me as its High Priest.

- Aecio Neves da Cunha

Press Release - President of Brazil, Michel Temer

@MichelTemer: @Pele, why have you turned your back on God? @Pontifex, thoughts?

Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany wishes to formally profess its full support of the Ordem do Progresso and believes it has the power to change the nation of Brazil for the better. We are looking forward to assisting them by any means necessary in order to implement fair elections in the coming weeks.

We will also be boycotting future Olympic Games until further notice due to our blatant unfair treatment by the International Olympic Committee, a despicable excuse for an organization meant to "promote Olympic values."

Press Release - Michel Temer

From the President of Brazil, Michel Temer

This country has stood with the principles of Catholicism for years. The declaration of Peleism from the ODP goes against the principles that made our country strong in the first place. Pele is undeniably a fútbol legend and my personal idol, but he himself has denounced Peleism during the games.

The ODP is filled with heretics and will not act with the best interests of Brazil in mind. They only seek to divide and destroy our nation. I ask that the good people of Brazil stand with my administration in these trying times.

Press Release - Brazilian Government

The ODP is in a state of delusion- their current desire to overthrow the already legitimized and established government is both offensive and foolish. Furthermore, the ODP is not acting in favor of the majority of the population of Brazil and instead seeks power to legitimize and propagate their own selfish initiatives. What once was an order for the people is now an order for a mere few- and those few will not be the future leaders of Brazil. The Brazilian government will do everything in its power to economically and socially please our population. It is our foremost goal to gain back the trust recently lost during the duration of the former administration under Delma Rousseff.

Press Release - Sofia Vergara

Translated from Sofia Vergara:

If Pele is your God, don't go against the Goddess.

Press Release - Pele

I Pele, due to a lack of concern from the Catholic church and new found sense of self, have chosen to take my place as the deity of peleism. This crisis and all of the lives lost have shown me the need for global hope. a hope that I believe I can bring to people. Peleism stands for the little guy and I will stand with you.

Press Release - International Olympic Committee

As a result of Chinese troops taking control of the Maracana stadium, the IOC have chosen to move the Closing Ceremonies to the Estádio Olímpico João Havelange. Only delegations that have not been involved with violence over the course of the Olympic Games may participate in the closing ceremonies. The following delegations are banned from attendance: China, Germany, Russia, Venezuela, Brazil. Nationals from the aforementioned states may attend the ceremonies but not government officials, armed troops, or olympiads. All IOC security forces will be in attendance for the closing ceremonies.

Aecio Neves da Cunha Assassinations Fail, Kidnapping Succeeds

Aecio Neves da Cunha Assassinations Fail, Kidnapping Succeeds

The Rio Times

Aecio Neves da Cunha, the well known leader of the opposition group Ordem do Progresso, was almost murdered during a widely televised speech he recently made to a crowd of protesters.

In the middle of his speech a man approached him from behind, grabbed him around the neck, and attempted to slit his throat. However, because Cunha was jostled as he was grabbed around the neck, he swerved to the side just in time to avoid a shot from a sniper rifle that came from an unknown location, which shot the assassin instead.

What appeared at the time to be Neves’ security officers were seen escorting Neves away from the stage after the assassination attempts rocked the crowd, but nobody has seen him since. It is believed by witnesses and conspiracy theorist, and the press, that he has been kidnapped.

Given the current state of chaos in Brazil, it is unclear whether or not an investigation to find the whereabouts of the opposition leader, and the people behind the assassination attempts on his life, will ever be opened.

Press Release - Order for Progress

The Ordem do Progresso is seeing the unifying power of Peleism across the world, and in power, would support the establishment of a Brazilian Peleist church. Absolute religious freedom would still exist, and all beverages of Peleist sects would be tolerated and accommodated. Our Pele is a pluralist force for peace, being whatever His people need Him to be. Glory to Pele! Hail Neves!

Press Release - President of the International Olympic Committee

As a result of Chinese troops taking control of the Maracana stadium, the IOC have chosen to move the Closing Ceremonies to the Estádio Olímpico João Havelange. Only delegations that have not been involved with violence over the course of the Olympic Games may participate in the closing ceremonies. The following delegations are banned from attendance: China, Germany, Russia, Venezuela, Brazil. Nationals from the aforementioned states may attend the ceremonies but not government officials, armed troops, or olympiads. All IOC security forces will be in attendance for the closing ceremonies.

President of the International Olympic Committee
Renato Ciuchini

Press Release - Order for Progress

We might remind the Federal Government of Brazil it was not the ODP that bulldozed thousands of peoples homes, polluted our water supplies, damaged our beautiful environment and stole Indigenous land.

Since you have failed to act as a voices of the people, we will simply do it for you. We will continue to fight until we liberate our citizens from your tyranny. Victory will soon be ours!

Hail Neves!
As Olympics Come to A Close, Countries Consolidate Medal Counts, Reflect on Great Games


After three weeks of hard-fought sporting battles, we’re finally nearing the end of the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Summer Olympic Games. Although the political, social, cultural, and military struggles, assassinations, and general turmoil have plagued the Games, with the scores of deaths almost outnumbering the Olympic events offered, the personal stories of the Olympics still rang throughout the South American continent.

The country with the most gold medals, and the most overall medals, was, of course, the United States of America. Brazil delivered an upset to the People’s Republic of China for the second-best medal count, with many blaming the Chinese dedication to Peleism on their poor performance in this year’s summer games.

Although there were a numerous amount of stoppages of various Olympic events, the show, in the end, still went on. All events, aside from a few water-based events, due to the pollution in Guanabara Bay, were able to be completed within the Olympic time-frame.

Notable events include the Women’s pole vaulting record being made by Italy and then being almost immediately usurped by the smaller Olympic delegation of Togo. This upset caused some of the most harrowing images ever seen in an Olympic competition, as the mother’s of the two Olympians chose to physically fight each other within the Maracana Stadium parking lot immediately following the medal ceremony.

Other notable events include the accidental switching of victor’s olive wreaths with leaves of poison oak, which plagued the heads of Olympians competing within javelin, women’s doubles tennis, men’s volleyball, synchronized diving, wrestling, and worst of all within the dressage events, where many winning horses were injured by the poison oak hurting their sensitive ears.

Now that the events are finished and all that could have gone wrong, has, we are looking forward to sitting on our hands and doing nothing as we move towards the Closing Ceremonies, although that is almost sure not to happen.  

Press Release - Coca-Cola Company

@Coca-Cola is formally condemning the publication of O Globo for it's slanderous views of Peleism and Coca-Cola. Our Lord and Savior @LordPele has nothing to do with Church of Latter Day Pele, a religious sect verging on cult that has come out of Columbia recently and is affiliated with @TryingTooHard (Official Twitter of PepsiCo). Pele and Coca-Cola are working together and NEITHER have had any affiliations with Pepsi or Latter Day Peleism. #FilterOurWaterNotOurWords

Press Release - Pele

My Fellow Brazilians,

Do not believe the slander that the media has thrown at my name. Pele the Football star and Edson the Kind from poverty are still one and the same. I have only ever acted in a way that was in concern for my country and its people. As for Brent, however strange he is Brazilian and i will "obsess" over the unlawful emprisonment and torture of ANY Brazilian. I bleed blue, gree, and yellow, and I always have. I accepted the title of IOC Vice President beccause I wanted to have a peaceful end to the Games and to prevent this from happening to any other country, I believe in the power of sport and yes the power of love to bring peace. Believe me not the media pigs. I beg you.

Humbly yours,


Press Release - President of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro

In this terrible time of mourning, I have found comfort with the manuscripts of Peleism. I have turned to Peleism in this time of need to live through this tragedy. By becoming enlightened through Peleism, I have decided to make Peleism the national religion of Venezuela, declaring that all should follow the faith to find comfort in this horrible time. Also, because of our shared faith in the one and only god, China and I have erased any former tensions between us.

President of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro

Press Release - Coca-Cola Company

On behalf of both @Coca-Cola and @DietyPele, Coke is clarifying that PepsiCo is not speaking the truths when they say they have hired Pele as a spokesperson. Their lying is as flat out as their drinks. Pele is still firmly aligned with Coca-Cola and we are committed to Lord Pele and Peleism. Obviously the new can put forth by PepsiCo is an poorly edited can with Pele's face photoshopped in. We here at Coke don't need to hire low level artists to fake our products, we actually have them: 


Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany commends the IOC's decision to suspend Russia from further participation or involvement in the Olympic Games. We would again ask the IOC to reconsider removing our suspension from the games, as our misdemeanors pale significantly in comparison to the egregious acts made by Russia.

Germany also stands in solidarity with Venezuela at this time, and mourns the loss of their athletes and citizens at the hands of the Russian armies. This violence will not be tolerated.

Press Release - Michel Temer

From the President of Brazil, Michel Temer

I would like to take this time to formally condemn the actions of the Russian Federation, and call on the United States to provide support to Brazil under the guidelines of the US-Brazil Defense Initiative dialogue.

Even further, I am disgusted that the ODP is declaring a success for the people when our nation has devolved into an open war zone. These casualties are a travesty to our beautiful nation. Are these tragedies truly a success for the people? It is now clear that the only thing the ODP is seeking is power.

Pele Needs Humility

Pele Needs Humility

O Globo Editorial Board

Who could have foreseen that a young Edson Arantes do Nascimento, who grew up in impoverished Brazil kicking a grapefruit as a soccer ball, would grow up to become the “King of Football”, world-touring vocalist, and now the prophetic figurehead of his own religion? From meek Edson to vainglorious Pelé now in the running for the IOC presidency: how did his absurd ego come to be?

Constantly referring to himself as the “Brazilian Football Legend”, Pelé has come to international attention during the antics of this year’s Rio Olympics. From asserting his self-coined “Peleism” of the Church of the Latter Day Pelé (sponsored by Pepsi Cola) to his notorious search for the fountain of youth manifest by his increasingly confusing infatuation with a certain Brent Lannister, Pelé’s attempt at building up his legitimacy and his relevance has been haphazard to say the least.  

Now with his concert upcoming in amidst of the instability and violence that has characterized Brazil the past month, it seems increasingly apparent that Pelé’s motives in any of his involvements have always been not his self-proclaimed “peace” and “love” for his country, but rather one thing: Pelé.

His undeserving influence in swaying the Brazilian and international public (he has garnered a large following in Beijing as a deity) must truly be seen as a threat to human security--lest we not overlook how his actions directly parallel to the influences of former dictators and tyrants. Pelé’s incessant narcissism has become a danger to mankind, and it is only appropriate that Edson must once again find humility.

Press Release - Fabiano "Paca" Souza

Friends this is truly a win for the Brazilian people. Despite the corruption of the federal government, through the voices of the people the The Order for Progress has spoken for them forcing the Bill to be passed. We will not stop until our goals are met. And now we must stand together against the oppressors to fight off the evil that is the Government forces. Lets stand together until the end.

Hail Neves!

Press Release - Vladimir Putin

@VladPutin: Airstrikes have been halted. People of Brazil have been protected from imperialist designs of Venezuela. #stopMaduro #noChavezthe2nd

Press Release - Vladimir Putin

The recent military airstrikes against Brazil of course were not intended to harm Brazil or Brazil's government, but instead as a way to prevent Venezuelan imperialism (via their 107 battalion deployment) to our ally Brazil. Any collateral damage against the Brazilian government or people is an unfortunate consequence of this, but we believe the Brazilians will understand given our nation's intention to protect them from the aggressive designs of Venezuela' revanchist leaders.

Let the peace process continue as promised. Russia hopes both the legislature and opposition will work towards an outcome that all sides find satisfactory and democratic.

Press Release - International Olympic Committee

As a result of the recent attacks by Russia on Brazil - the IOC will be taking the following actions: 

1. Disallow the Russian Federation from walking and participating in closing ceremonies
2. Revoke all medals earned by the Russian Federation during the Rio 2016 Games
3. Suspend the Russian Federation from all activities involved in the Olympic Games indefinitely

Chaos in Rio De Janeiro

Chaos in Rio De Janeiro


Rio de Janeiro has become an open warzone, as multiple nations and actors battle for control of the city and the political power of Brazil.
Outside of Rio de Janeiro, scores of deaths due to Russian air strikes have crippled Venezuelan armed forces, led by the 107th Battalion.
Additionally Russian airstrikes appear to have lit Guanabara Bay on fire, threatening the coast of Rio de Janeiro and Olympic water sports, which have been delayed.
At the Rio de Janeiro International Airport, all runways are shut down as an airstrike has struck and destroyed a German evacuation plane as it was taking off.
Rescuers are on the scene but cannot yet approach due to fuel fires.
Brazilian forces are openly skirmishing with ODP troops on the edges of Rio de Janeiro.
Battles to the North of Rio, particularly for control of route 116, 040, and around Nilopolis and Duque de Caxias are raging, with multiple deaths reported in intense urban warfare.
Explosions and gunfire are also reported in Campo Grande, Copocabana, Realengo and outside of Rio in Seropedica.
Chinese troops have been reported near the Maracana stadium, where they have taken control of the stadium.
Unknown troops, in European style special force gear, have also been seen engaging with Brazilian troops.
Large amount of people are reported to be evacuating from Rio de Janeiro.

While airstrikes have stopped for now, much of the ground based conflict appears to still be active.

Press Release - People's Republic of China

The People's Republic of China is dismayed by the actions of the ODP in claiming to be peaceful while destroying a legitimate government. The current government of Brazil has the country's best interests at heart and can not accomplish their plans that will make meaningful change until the opposition subsides. If the ODP wins the elections in Brazil, China will have to forfeit its role as Brazil's largest trading partner and cease all importing and exporting with the state.

Press Release - Coca-Cola Compant

@Coca-Cla is proud to support @TheRealPele for VP of the IOC! He's a Rightous leader of Peleism and we here at Coke know he can lead the IOC to refreshing peace and satisfying prosperity. #Pele4VPrez #Coke4Pele

Press Release - Sofia Vergara

Translated from Sofia Vergara:

Hi Ty! Nice to see that you're taking a break with your orange juice. Unfortunately, as far as I've seen, none of your juices--or other Coca Cola products for that matter--have the face of Pele on them. How can you support this God without having a can with the face of the lord on it? China builds a statue, yet you keep releasing your mini coke cans with no changes. I contacted the CEO, and we are excited to announce the release of our new Pepsi can:

In stores soon! #LatterDayPele #PeleCan #NopeCoke #ModernFamily

BREAKING: Russian Forces Attack Brazil

BREAKING: Russian Forces Attack Brazil

The Topeka Capital-Journal

Russian forces have attacked targets by air across the Brazilian mainland, starting an unprecedented attack on the South American nation.

A Russian destroyer was reportedly seen off the coast of Brazil, near Rio proper. The Russian destroyer is said to be outfitted with 5,000 Spetsnaz troops and are “adequately armed to be able to execute a blockade on Brazil if necessary.”

There are also conflicting reports about whether or not the air attacks originate from an existing Russian aircraft carrier right off the waters of Brazil.

Russian political officials have stayed mum on the issue, but sources close to the Russian camp say that there is a larger aircraft carrier making its way to the Brazilian coast. Sources further say that the Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier, which is outfitted with ammunition, sea-based bombing aircraft, and fighter jets, is reportedly being sent to the same location as where the 5,000 Spetsnaz are destined to arrive.

At press time, Russian targets had apparently hit military targets associated with the 107th Battalion, a group of Venezuelan armed forces on the outskirts of Rio De Janeiro.

An explosion at the Rio de Janeiro-Galeao International Airport was also reported to have hit a German plane evacuating German civilians being protected by ODP troops.

Deaths are reported.

The Olympic games are continuing, with Canada taking the gold in Rugby Sevens.

Press Release - International Olympic Committee

In accord with the views of the Brazilian Government and the Ordem do Progresso, the International Olympic Committee would like to extend it's full support for the immediate implementation of a free and fair election to be held.

This decision came to fruition after discussion between the IOC and Brazilian Soccer Legend, Pele. As a result of Pele's ability to articulate the views of the Brazilian people, the IOC have chosen to elect Pele to serve as Vice President of the IOC.The IOC is confident that the addition of Pele to the Executive Board will better allow the organization to make policy decisions concerning the Brazilian people.

Furthermore, the IOC would like to promote the concert being held by Pele, in the name of peace. More details regarding this concert to be distributed at a later date.

Brazil Legislature Passes Election Bill

Brazil Legislature Passes Election Bill

The Gaurdian

After increased pressure from the opposition group Ordem do Progresso, the congress of Brazil has agreed to hold new elections.

Earlier this week the Rio de Janeiro municipal building was set on fire after mass protests with numbers as large as 200,000 gathered around the building and halted government activity. Interim president Michel Temer was also burned in effigy.

Soon after these dramatic events the entire government was effectively overtaken by the ODP, who have now forced the hands of congress, and new elections will soon be taking place. The city of Rio de Janeiro is also controlled by the ODP, who have particular support in the outskirts of the city in favelas, and also at the site of the assembly building.

ODP leader Aecio Neves da Cunha, already preparing for potential elections, has recently sent out a press release stating that under a Neves presidency the now blackened and charred assembly building will be rebuild “with glass walls symbolizing the transparency of the renewed Brazil.”

The congressional bill for new elections was passed this morning.

Where is the Dignity of the IOC?

Where is the Dignity of the IOC?

The New York Times Editorial Board

A moment of silence for the death of Brent Lannister, the mysterious man killed in the hands of Brazilian radicals, has been issued.

His ascent to fame due to his preposterous and mythical immortality spurred by a power-hungry narcissist of an irrelevant former soccer player; his political presence and legitimacy of the same equivalence of the Kardashians’; his green-hair as his only distinguishable trait--this is the man whose death is being honored.

This is the man that the committee has chosen to venerate, while completely neglecting the tragic deaths of the two Israeli athletes, who were national heroes and religious emblems. The evidence of the committee’s underlying barbarism of anti-semitic hatred is now indisputable as well as their internal corruption, made clear when the death of former IOC President, Thomas Bach, was also overlooked.

To compound upon their indiscretions, social media pranksters have developed a fake account for the deceased, disrespecting his life as well as the many others who have lost their lives at this years’ games.

How has the committee’s irreverent acts have gone unnoticed? To what extent has the government blinded the public with its lies and deception, and the question all must be asking: when will the absurdity in Brazil stop?

Press Release - Coca-Cola Company

Coca-Cola is joining the embrago by Russia and Germany in retaliation of them siding with Pepsi. We are still sponsoring the Olympics, but all beverages owned by Coke not going to the stadiums will be shut down. But keep the Dasani swimming pool.

CEO of Coca-Cola, Ahmet Muhtar Kent

Press Release - Vladimir Putin

In response to Brazil's utter lack of willingness to play ball and/or find the culprits of the deaths of our beloved athletes, Germany and Russia will be jointly re-instituting an embargo on all Brazilian goods and all companies that have large factories or manufacturing plants in the nation. Brazil must learn that with a lack of action comes consequences.

-Vladimir Putin

Former Interim President of the IOC Killed Under Suspicious Circumstances

Former Interim President of the IOC Killed Under Suspicious Circumstances

Yahoo! News

Early yesterday the interim International Olympic Committee (IOC) President, Craig Reedie was killed after being arrested on suspicion of involvement with the assassination of the previous IOC President, Thomas Bach.

After the allegations were revealed, Reedie was forcefully removed from his post at the joint IOC/Rio Olympic Committee headquarters. Upon arrival at the Bangu Penitentiary Complex, located on the outskirts of Brazil, Reedie was booked, strip searched, and had his beautiful locks forcibly shaved off.

A few hours after being placed in solitary confinement Reedie was found dead in his cell, his tongue, Yahoo! News is told, lolling out of his head.

Reedie was quickly moved to the prison’s morgue, and an autopsy concerning his death was ordered. Upon examination of the coroner's report it was revealed that an unidentified type of poison was used to kill the interim President.

Since Reedie was widely hated by all, it has been decided that his corpse will be buried in an unmarked grave in his native Great Britain, due to fears concerned with those who may deface his grave.

Reedie leaves behind a wife, two children, and many, many happy Olympic sports fans.

Brent Lannister Official:

"I'm not dead! Here is my everlasting beauty with today's newspaper to prove it!
You all need to get along! See how many friends I have made over my 1,656 years of life?? You were all upset about my apparent death, can't it make you all come together? The International Olympic Committee gave me refuge and free food when they spotted me running naked on the Maracan field earlier today (after re-growing a head and reincarnating, I tend to do crazy things). They will let me go whenever, I am not captive for nobody can tame this beast. Come visit me friends! Can't we all just finish the Olympics?!?! Aren't we all just on #teamBrent??"

Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany will be officially ending all business relations with Samsung, as our intelligence has shown that they have hacked into our cell phones. Luckily their technology is not advanced enough to cause any real damage. We are disappointed in their recent actions, particularly those taken by CEO Lee Kun-Hee.

Protesters Also Gathering in Brasilia

Protesters Also Gathering in Brasilia

Al Jazeera

In the Brazilian capital, Brasília, a reported 30,000 protesters are taking to the streets proclaiming “Eleições Agora!”, or Elections Now.

Some of the younger protesters are reportedly utilizing spray paint to ‘paint the town’ with the sentiment. Earlier today, the Brazilian Minister for Defense, who is possibly being held captive, echoed the sentiment that seems to be universal within the whole of Brazil, that free and fair elections must be held in Brazil, or else.

It is now unclear if the protest will grow from its 30,000 strong, but the message of ODP is ringing loudly throughout all of Brazil.