Sunday, May 15, 2016

Mystery Man Kidnapped by ODP Passes On

Mystery Man Kidnapped by ODP Passes On

Associated Press

Brent Lannister, a mysterious man kidnapped by the ODP, has been killed in a rescue attempt from the brutalities of the Brazilian opposition party. From the start of Lannister’s imprisonment, the international community has been perplexed at his initial purpose and what, exactly, the opposition wished to do with him. Rumors began swirling after his imprisonment that Lannister was sent to free the spectators from the horrors of the Maracanã stadium disaster, when civilians were trapped in the stadium for an excess of five hours.

Soon after Lannister’s supposed attempt failed, he was taken hostage by the ODP. His capture eventually lead to a social media surge, led by Brazilian soccer legend, Pele, who encouraged his millions of fans to “#LetBrentGO”.

In response to this campaign, the Brazilian government privately contracted out paramilitary forces in an attempt to stage a rescue.

From this point on, Lannister’s rescue becomes murkier than the waters of the Coca-Cola pool made to capture Zika-carrying mosquitoes. It is apparent that Lannister was rescued successfully, but upon moving him to a safe house he was killed.

Reports from Lannister supporters state that the only part of this mystery man still left is his “beautiful, straw-colored hair,” as he was somehow decapitated.

Lannister, a recently popular figure in international popular culture, leaves behind a million or so fans, though it is unclear if he leaves any family or friends behind. We will remember your vague bravery, Brent.

In memory of Brent Lannister, 19??-2016, you will be dearly missed.

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