Sunday, May 15, 2016

Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

The Rio Times

As the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Summer Games come to a close, we look back on the memories made during this stirring olympiad.

From the bomb threat of the Opening Ceremonies, to the opium-stuffed soccer balls, to the near-start of World War III, we are certainly glad to see the games come to a close, where the winners may finally take their medals back to their respective home countries and the losers will live, hopefully, to fight another day.

The Venezuelan and Chinese archers from opening day watched the closing ceremonies from their hospital beds near the Maracana Stadium, and expressed their relief to have the Games end.

This Olympic season we say goodbye to the fallen athletes and celebrate the passion and lively people of Rio for welcoming the world to their beautiful city.

If we’ve learned one thing from this hard-fought Olympic campaign, it is that the mighty will always prevail, and that our lord and savior Pele will always be there for us. Rest in peace Brent Lannister and long live Pele!

See you in 2020, at the Tokyo Summer Olympic Games!

Press Release - Order for Progress

Friends I now declare myself leader of the ODP. Neves is now stepping down to be High Priest of Peleism. I will do my best to be the voice of the people.

All Hail Paca!

Press Release - Pele

@LegendPele: What Happened Temer? Did you lose your balls by gaining your voice? You think Beyonce is God? #WhatHappenedToBrazil #TameTemer #StopThisCastration

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

O Globo

Brazilian soccer legend Pelé began singing from the VIP box in Maracana during a well televised press statement.

It is still unclear why exactly he did this, but it was received well by everyone witnessing his musical vocal cord exercises. Perhaps in solidarity with the people of Brazil? The masses protesting in the street? Most likely it was because these unprecedentedly chaotic games have come to an end.

A video recording of Pelé’s song was included with this statement.

Press Release - Order for Progress

While taking a break in the countryside, Pele came to me in a vision. "Aecio," he said, hovering in the air and juggling a soccer ball, "I have chosen you to be my voice to this people."

I solemnly declare that there is no god but Pele, and I have been chosen as his messenger to the Brazilians. I therefore resign as leader of the Ordem do Progresso in favor of the wise magnate Paca, who will, upon winning the presidential election, serve this country's secular needs well, and who promises to create a Church of Pele to guarantee unity and happiness, with me as its High Priest.

- Aecio Neves da Cunha

Press Release - President of Brazil, Michel Temer

@MichelTemer: @Pele, why have you turned your back on God? @Pontifex, thoughts?

Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany wishes to formally profess its full support of the Ordem do Progresso and believes it has the power to change the nation of Brazil for the better. We are looking forward to assisting them by any means necessary in order to implement fair elections in the coming weeks.

We will also be boycotting future Olympic Games until further notice due to our blatant unfair treatment by the International Olympic Committee, a despicable excuse for an organization meant to "promote Olympic values."