Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

Rio 2016: Closing Ceremonies

The Rio Times

As the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Summer Games come to a close, we look back on the memories made during this stirring olympiad.

From the bomb threat of the Opening Ceremonies, to the opium-stuffed soccer balls, to the near-start of World War III, we are certainly glad to see the games come to a close, where the winners may finally take their medals back to their respective home countries and the losers will live, hopefully, to fight another day.

The Venezuelan and Chinese archers from opening day watched the closing ceremonies from their hospital beds near the Maracana Stadium, and expressed their relief to have the Games end.

This Olympic season we say goodbye to the fallen athletes and celebrate the passion and lively people of Rio for welcoming the world to their beautiful city.

If we’ve learned one thing from this hard-fought Olympic campaign, it is that the mighty will always prevail, and that our lord and savior Pele will always be there for us. Rest in peace Brent Lannister and long live Pele!

See you in 2020, at the Tokyo Summer Olympic Games!

Press Release - Order for Progress

Friends I now declare myself leader of the ODP. Neves is now stepping down to be High Priest of Peleism. I will do my best to be the voice of the people.

All Hail Paca!

Press Release - Pele

@LegendPele: What Happened Temer? Did you lose your balls by gaining your voice? You think Beyonce is God? #WhatHappenedToBrazil #TameTemer #StopThisCastration

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

Pelé bursts into song as the Olympic Games come to a close

O Globo

Brazilian soccer legend Pelé began singing from the VIP box in Maracana during a well televised press statement.

It is still unclear why exactly he did this, but it was received well by everyone witnessing his musical vocal cord exercises. Perhaps in solidarity with the people of Brazil? The masses protesting in the street? Most likely it was because these unprecedentedly chaotic games have come to an end.

A video recording of Pelé’s song was included with this statement.

Press Release - Order for Progress

While taking a break in the countryside, Pele came to me in a vision. "Aecio," he said, hovering in the air and juggling a soccer ball, "I have chosen you to be my voice to this people."

I solemnly declare that there is no god but Pele, and I have been chosen as his messenger to the Brazilians. I therefore resign as leader of the Ordem do Progresso in favor of the wise magnate Paca, who will, upon winning the presidential election, serve this country's secular needs well, and who promises to create a Church of Pele to guarantee unity and happiness, with me as its High Priest.

- Aecio Neves da Cunha

Press Release - President of Brazil, Michel Temer

@MichelTemer: @Pele, why have you turned your back on God? @Pontifex, thoughts?

Press Release - Angela Merkel

Germany wishes to formally profess its full support of the Ordem do Progresso and believes it has the power to change the nation of Brazil for the better. We are looking forward to assisting them by any means necessary in order to implement fair elections in the coming weeks.

We will also be boycotting future Olympic Games until further notice due to our blatant unfair treatment by the International Olympic Committee, a despicable excuse for an organization meant to "promote Olympic values."

Press Release - Michel Temer

From the President of Brazil, Michel Temer

This country has stood with the principles of Catholicism for years. The declaration of Peleism from the ODP goes against the principles that made our country strong in the first place. Pele is undeniably a fútbol legend and my personal idol, but he himself has denounced Peleism during the games.

The ODP is filled with heretics and will not act with the best interests of Brazil in mind. They only seek to divide and destroy our nation. I ask that the good people of Brazil stand with my administration in these trying times.

Press Release - Brazilian Government

The ODP is in a state of delusion- their current desire to overthrow the already legitimized and established government is both offensive and foolish. Furthermore, the ODP is not acting in favor of the majority of the population of Brazil and instead seeks power to legitimize and propagate their own selfish initiatives. What once was an order for the people is now an order for a mere few- and those few will not be the future leaders of Brazil. The Brazilian government will do everything in its power to economically and socially please our population. It is our foremost goal to gain back the trust recently lost during the duration of the former administration under Delma Rousseff.

Press Release - Sofia Vergara

Translated from Sofia Vergara:

If Pele is your God, don't go against the Goddess.

Press Release - Pele

I Pele, due to a lack of concern from the Catholic church and new found sense of self, have chosen to take my place as the deity of peleism. This crisis and all of the lives lost have shown me the need for global hope. a hope that I believe I can bring to people. Peleism stands for the little guy and I will stand with you.

Press Release - International Olympic Committee

As a result of Chinese troops taking control of the Maracana stadium, the IOC have chosen to move the Closing Ceremonies to the Estádio Olímpico João Havelange. Only delegations that have not been involved with violence over the course of the Olympic Games may participate in the closing ceremonies. The following delegations are banned from attendance: China, Germany, Russia, Venezuela, Brazil. Nationals from the aforementioned states may attend the ceremonies but not government officials, armed troops, or olympiads. All IOC security forces will be in attendance for the closing ceremonies.

Aecio Neves da Cunha Assassinations Fail, Kidnapping Succeeds

Aecio Neves da Cunha Assassinations Fail, Kidnapping Succeeds

The Rio Times

Aecio Neves da Cunha, the well known leader of the opposition group Ordem do Progresso, was almost murdered during a widely televised speech he recently made to a crowd of protesters.

In the middle of his speech a man approached him from behind, grabbed him around the neck, and attempted to slit his throat. However, because Cunha was jostled as he was grabbed around the neck, he swerved to the side just in time to avoid a shot from a sniper rifle that came from an unknown location, which shot the assassin instead.

What appeared at the time to be Neves’ security officers were seen escorting Neves away from the stage after the assassination attempts rocked the crowd, but nobody has seen him since. It is believed by witnesses and conspiracy theorist, and the press, that he has been kidnapped.

Given the current state of chaos in Brazil, it is unclear whether or not an investigation to find the whereabouts of the opposition leader, and the people behind the assassination attempts on his life, will ever be opened.

Press Release - Order for Progress

The Ordem do Progresso is seeing the unifying power of Peleism across the world, and in power, would support the establishment of a Brazilian Peleist church. Absolute religious freedom would still exist, and all beverages of Peleist sects would be tolerated and accommodated. Our Pele is a pluralist force for peace, being whatever His people need Him to be. Glory to Pele! Hail Neves!

Press Release - President of the International Olympic Committee

As a result of Chinese troops taking control of the Maracana stadium, the IOC have chosen to move the Closing Ceremonies to the Estádio Olímpico João Havelange. Only delegations that have not been involved with violence over the course of the Olympic Games may participate in the closing ceremonies. The following delegations are banned from attendance: China, Germany, Russia, Venezuela, Brazil. Nationals from the aforementioned states may attend the ceremonies but not government officials, armed troops, or olympiads. All IOC security forces will be in attendance for the closing ceremonies.

President of the International Olympic Committee
Renato Ciuchini

Press Release - Order for Progress

We might remind the Federal Government of Brazil it was not the ODP that bulldozed thousands of peoples homes, polluted our water supplies, damaged our beautiful environment and stole Indigenous land.

Since you have failed to act as a voices of the people, we will simply do it for you. We will continue to fight until we liberate our citizens from your tyranny. Victory will soon be ours!

Hail Neves!

As Olympics Come to A Close, Countries Consolidate Medal Counts, Reflect on Great Games

ESPN

After three weeks of hard-fought sporting battles, we’re finally nearing the end of the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Summer Olympic Games. Although the political, social, cultural, and military struggles, assassinations, and general turmoil have plagued the Games, with the scores of deaths almost outnumbering the Olympic events offered, the personal stories of the Olympics still rang throughout the South American continent.

The country with the most gold medals, and the most overall medals, was, of course, the United States of America. Brazil delivered an upset to the People’s Republic of China for the second-best medal count, with many blaming the Chinese dedication to Peleism on their poor performance in this year’s summer games.

Although there were a numerous amount of stoppages of various Olympic events, the show, in the end, still went on. All events, aside from a few water-based events, due to the pollution in Guanabara Bay, were able to be completed within the Olympic time-frame.

Notable events include the Women’s pole vaulting record being made by Italy and then being almost immediately usurped by the smaller Olympic delegation of Togo. This upset caused some of the most harrowing images ever seen in an Olympic competition, as the mother’s of the two Olympians chose to physically fight each other within the Maracana Stadium parking lot immediately following the medal ceremony.

Other notable events include the accidental switching of victor’s olive wreaths with leaves of poison oak, which plagued the heads of Olympians competing within javelin, women’s doubles tennis, men’s volleyball, synchronized diving, wrestling, and worst of all within the dressage events, where many winning horses were injured by the poison oak hurting their sensitive ears.

Now that the events are finished and all that could have gone wrong, has, we are looking forward to sitting on our hands and doing nothing as we move towards the Closing Ceremonies, although that is almost sure not to happen.  

Press Release - Coca-Cola Company

@Coca-Cola is formally condemning the publication of O Globo for it's slanderous views of Peleism and Coca-Cola. Our Lord and Savior @LordPele has nothing to do with Church of Latter Day Pele, a religious sect verging on cult that has come out of Columbia recently and is affiliated with @TryingTooHard (Official Twitter of PepsiCo). Pele and Coca-Cola are working together and NEITHER have had any affiliations with Pepsi or Latter Day Peleism. #FilterOurWaterNotOurWords

Press Release - Pele

My Fellow Brazilians,

Do not believe the slander that the media has thrown at my name. Pele the Football star and Edson the Kind from poverty are still one and the same. I have only ever acted in a way that was in concern for my country and its people. As for Brent, however strange he is Brazilian and i will "obsess" over the unlawful emprisonment and torture of ANY Brazilian. I bleed blue, gree, and yellow, and I always have. I accepted the title of IOC Vice President beccause I wanted to have a peaceful end to the Games and to prevent this from happening to any other country, I believe in the power of sport and yes the power of love to bring peace. Believe me not the media pigs. I beg you.

Humbly yours,

Pele

Press Release - President of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro

In this terrible time of mourning, I have found comfort with the manuscripts of Peleism. I have turned to Peleism in this time of need to live through this tragedy. By becoming enlightened through Peleism, I have decided to make Peleism the national religion of Venezuela, declaring that all should follow the faith to find comfort in this horrible time. Also, because of our shared faith in the one and only god, China and I have erased any former tensions between us.

President of Venezuela, Nicolas Maduro